I’m told that reading my writing is very different from actually interacting with me. I heartily agree with this but because people happen to say this to my face, I then have to think about how to explain it with speech which I’m not nearly as good at so I’m going to write about it instead.
When I write it may sometimes seem like I’m sharing opinions of another person and in a way I am. Sometimes I don’t see my personality as being one person and often in my inner monologue I’ll naturally refer to myself as “we”. For example, if I’m making plans to go to a shop and then do some cooking when I get back, I’ll think “So we’ll go to a shop later and then we’ll cook”. This is way more common than and very different from multiple personality disorder – a condition which is often a side effect of a traumatic experience in which someone has two or more different personalities with their own memories, gestures and thoughts residing in one body- it’s much simpler than that.
Everyone has things that they think about saying and then they stop themselves, what you think and what you say are very different. My inner self is opinionated, out spoken, proud, loving, easily annoyed and passionate whereas my outer self is still all of those things but on top of them it is a lot calmer, quieter, more excitable and more empathetic. All of these qualities my outer self possesses form a strong filter so that I don’t go and say or do something that might hurt someone or make them feel uncomfortable. Again, something which a lot of people have. Unfortunately, this makes me so conscious of other people that I’m afraid to do a lot of things that I want to do and it makes me miss out on opportunities and experiences.
This is where my writing comes in. I love to write because I can look back on what I’ve written, so even if I’m expressing an opinion or saying something that I think might not be popular, I can explain things in a way that people can easily understand me and not be offended. This isn’t to say that my opinions are so controversial that they would be likely to offend people, it’s that my outer self is just always worried about that whatever the subject may be from “I like jam” to “I believe in God”.
In some of my posts I do use an “in a perfect world” kind of scenario to express feelings which may seem like I’m enforcing ideals that I actually don’t agree with, for example “I wish we could all just wear sheets instead of clothes because then we wouldn’t have to worry” in this sentence, I wouldn’t actually like to wear sheets instead of clothes, I’m just using an extreme example to maybe illustrate my annoyance of clothes shopping, or that it’s silly that people judge based on clothing. I do get that these examples can be a bit hard to follow in terms of working out what actually is my opinion and what isn’t which is maybe something I need to work on but more often than not it is obvious what my meaning is so I don’t tend to worry about those so much.
So when I’m writing, it’s coming from my inner persona – my core persona if you like – in a form that it can easily express itself so that when those quiet, empathetic parts of me layer on top of those core feelings I’m not feeling like the world will turn on me because I’ve just said something awful, I’m feeling free and comfortable because I’ve successfully expressed an opinion in a nice understandable way.