As of my 12th year here on Planet Earth I am the not so proud owner of general anxiety. I do not want general anxiety and I do not like making excuses because of it but some things I just cannot help. Here’s a taster of what it’s like living with a mental condition…
Pretty much 12 hours a day 7 days a week I am having at least 3 things to worry about. When I think of one thing, I remember another and another and another, until I get so caught up in what I need to get done that my mind completely shuts down and I can’t do anything at all. These can be the tiniest things like “I need to watch that episode of Glee” or “I need to message that person on facebook”. Every new person I meet I feel the need to please them and support them. You can imagine then, what it’s like entering a new year at school for the first time, or even coming back from a holiday, I spent most mornings crying my eyes out and then worrying about people looking at my puffy red face.
I’m on my third week of my new job now and I haven’t gotten over it. I worry constantly about what people think of me, I can’t actually do a good job because on top of all the things I worry about at home, now I have another group of people that I feel like I have to support. I even had a talk with my boss because she could see that it was affecting my work and she said “You can’t waist your life worrying what people think of you. You’ve just got to get on with it.” As if this was the easiest thing to do. As if I’ve not been telling myself this every day and then getting emotional because I can’t seem to do it. As if talking to me about it would make it better when in fact I now have yet another thing to worry about. And now I’m worrying about my boss finding this blog so I can’t help but clarify that I’m grateful for the support she’s giving me and I recognise that she’s trying to be helpful and am appreciative for that too.
Thankfully though, it’s gotten a lot better. When it first started out, my mind recognised that school was the main point of stress and so I developed fake stomach aches in order to stay off school. I didn’t do it on purpose, I thought there was something wrong with me. Then I whent to see what they call a “Homeopath” which is a special kind of doctor who told me what was happening and gave me medication.
I just wanted to touch upon this subject today as I have noticed that a lot of people don’t seem to recognise how hard having something like anxiety, or depression for example, can be. It completely flips your life upside down and makes the smallest of tasks like smiling at a stranger unbelievably difficult. And then some people have the audacity to tell us that ‘we look fine’ or ‘we seem great’. Of course we do. That’s half of the condition, trying to look like you don’t have one when inside, you feel like a complete mess.