I didn’t realise how much control I had over my own life until I faced a predicament over jobs the other day. I recently got a trial day at a tea room that’s tomorrow and my Dad showed me this job advertisement for a team member of an art department. I panicked and said “well, what if I get this one and have to turn down the tea room straight away? That’d be really cheeky of me” He said I was being silly and to just go for it, so naturally I turned to my Mum who said “Look, so what if you turn down the tea room? It’s your life and the art place would be better for you.” (long story short the art place wasn’t for an arty job at all so I’m still going for the trial day which I’m equally nervous and excited for)
When my Mum said that, it hit me that I could go and do whatever I wanted right now and nothing could stop me. As a person with anxiety issues I find the simplest thing awkward and nerve-racking like, for example, dropping a job in favour of one that suited me better. So it doesn’t occur to me that I don’t have to be concious of everyone around me. With anxiety, most people -and I- find that we have to please everyone we come across, which can be very stressful and rather annoying. We don’t often think about what’s best for ourselves and usually find that we submit to our peers even if we don’t want to. It gets to the point where we think if we do one thing wrong everyone will hate us and our lives will be over.
I did something to see if I could change this about myself and become a bolder person. I messaged someone who I’m in fairly regular contact with on face book and who I know reads these posts sometimes. -just to ease the mind of this person, I didn’t do it just for my blog I meant what I said. I am merely writing this here for an example- I wrote something I wouldn’t usually admit to anyone and something that I thought could’ve weirded them out or put them off messaging me, but I thought I’d be brave and go for it because I enjoy talking to this person and I wanted another topic to discuss.
As this person has had a lot on their plate recently they naturally haven’t had time to reply which has put a lot of ridiculous thoughts into my head like “what if they hate me”, “did I freak them out” and the most recent: “what if they have seen the message and where just too spooked out to respond” which is nonsense, because a) I know they wouldn’t do that and b) it hasn’t said that they have seen it yet. But upon sending this message my current subject was brought back to me again. “I just did something that would benefit me and not the other way around.” I don’t need to apologise to this person, what I said was not unacceptable and it might of even made them laugh. I don’t need to be embarrassed, or shy around this person. They know I don’t mean harm.
And that acceptance of “other people honestly don’t care” is what has started to give me my control. I am still a little uneasy about the message as I do care about whether the person talks to me again or not (I am still human after all) but I hope that I can get over this constant need to please people and start to seize control of situations more.